Thoughts on Meditation
Being some thoughts on sitting still and trying to be a better parent and spouse
At shul this weekend I got to talking with a friend, D, and out of the blue he told me he was recently back from a five day Jewish meditation retreat. D is a leader in the Jewish community to which I belong. He reads Torah beautifully, and leads prayers at the egalitarian orthodox shul where my family are members, but I didn’t know he was a mediator.
“People are there for different reasons” he said. Some for enlighten, perhaps, some to work through issues in their life some, like D, to “be a better parent and spouse”.
That modesty, and importance, of that resonated with me — “to be a better parent and spouse”. Deceptively simple, and so hard to do.
I started my own meditation practice in one of the hardest times in my life, when my wife was hospitalized in the lead up to the birth of our daughter. I was beyond anxious, running through worst case scenarios over and over in my head, and googling to the bottom of the internet all the terrible things that might happen.
It wasn’t a great time. But I started reading Dan Harris’s excellent Ten Percent Happier and sitting everyday. I started at just ten minutes, but it helped, and eventually I was doing twenty to thirty minutes a day.
That daughter is now almost 8 and through the years I’ve had an on again, off again relationship with mediation. Usually coming to it in times of stress, and then dropping the ball in times of comfort. Now, I’m at a point in my life where things are going well, but I’m feeling the pull to be a bit better, a bit happier, and bit more of the kind of parent and spouse that I want to be.
So I’ve starting sitting again.
The practice is simple. Routinizing it, prioritizing it, those are the hard things.
This is how I do it.
I set a timer, or a meditation app, for the desired amount of time. Right now, its ten minutes, soon fifteen, then twenty, then perhaps longer. If I don’t have time for ten minutes, I’ll do five. Something is always better than nothing at all.
I sit comfortably, in a chair, on a cushion, or on the floor. With my eyes open I take three or four deep breaths, in through the mouth, out through the nose. I set my attention to be present, to be here now.
I close my eyes and begin breathing normally again, in and out, in and out.
I attempt to notice the sounds around me without judgement or concern. There, a siren, there, a car. They’re just there. Neither helping or impeding my practice. Just there.
I perform a “body scan” wherein I start from my head and move down my body noticing its state. Does my shoulder hurt (it usually does) Is my back tight? My feet tired? I notice this aspects of my body. They’re just there. Neither helping or impeding my practice. Just there.
Then I try to focus on my breath. In and out, in and out. I count my breaths one on the in, two on the out, three on the in, four on the out, five on the in, six on the out, seven on the in, eight on the out, nine on the in, ten on the out.
Then again.
My mind wanders, it always does. I get hung up on the car, or the ache in my shoulder. I don’t make it to ten breaths. I don’t make it to four.
As soon as I notice my mind wandering, I start again.
I do this, over and over until the timer goes off.
Almost always, I feel better afterward. I try to remember that feeling the next time I am making an excuse for not meditating. The process isn’t hard, remembering how important it can be is.